hated it. i hated hearing this so much, i forgot what it meant.
thank you, kath, for being the first one to set me back on track. thank you, mom, for confirming that this was something i really needed to take seriously. surprised me to think that somehow, i managed to ignore the real meaning of loving your - SELF. too many people are allowed the power to manipulate this part of us that is the point of life, after all. how does it happen?
selfish, egoistic, self-glorifying. words all too commonly designed to hit you where pushing & pulling never stops until it hurts. i've been a bitch for what i do, a bitch for what i don't do, and when i happen to be learning the ropes from in-between, well then i'm just a bitch for not knowing which direction to go, or what the hell i want to do.
well, apparently, things could get worse. because life becomes a plain fuckin pain when you start looking at things from 'their' point of view.
if this happens to you, you'll find that you're scared to be good at what you love most. you're scared to be good to WHOM you love the most. unless you've got some concept of hope and manage to get sense knocked into your head by some force of nature that pulls you back to what you know, then you'll probably never stop wondering why you're not the same. why crashing feels so familiar to you, why understanding melancholy is too easy to do, why the existence of Love beyond science seems harder to prove.
"Love yourself" is not a command to throw away like a song you're done with after playing it in your head for so long... it's not something you change your mind about if people begin to label it as something it isn't made to be.
Loving yourself is believing that it is okay to like the great and crazy things others like about you, or that you are someone who has friends who love you, even if you don't know why. noone is perfect, and noone should feel, or be, alone.
it's knowing that it is okay to want to be one of the best, if not just better, at that thing you do, JUST BECAUSE. it is happier to dwell on the good things to know what to make of the bad. shoot for the moon.
it is okay to jump at opportunities, because it is okay to be grateful and it is okay, if not better, to make use of what you have. there is always, ALWAYS, a reason for everything.
if you have a life that makes you want to bounce all the blessings back, it is okay to know in your heart that, one day, you will give everything back.
noone should ever have the power to pressure you to do, or be, something that you aren't ready - nor made - to do, or be. one thing i want to say about the life is that, people forget that none of us have anything to do with what our faces or bodies look like, pretty or ugly, bought or born with-- this should be reason enough not to base your work, or your life, on your looks.
there is a bigger picture in the world for each one of us & we are all specks of dust in the end. what you do with your life now can outlast you later on.
it is also okay to smile (maybe even so randomly, you'd seem to be on E) -- it is okay to admit you just honestly like being in this twisted world, no matter how cruel, judgemental, angry, or dangerous it can be.
it took me 3 years of gradually losing that strength. a year and a half to slowly gain it back, and 5 months to finally feel it creeping back into me.
so you think you love yourself. but still somewhat believe that all the countless times you fucked up serve as an estimate of who you are in all your years of being... if you think you do love yourself, but fail to ignore the things that you know exist to try and screw you over... then please, love yourself a little bit more. Messing up is NOT equivalent to BEING all messed up. you have every right and reason to LOVE, EVEN if you don't know why.
Loving that one person, loving anyone, and especially loving yourself, is not anything that LOVE is NOT.
and you know what? if you find Love, there's your God..
